“Here comes another Mental Health Awareness Week.” I thought to myself a week ago.
I’ve secretly read everyone’s problems. Even commented on some. Then finally, I’ve decided. This time around, I won’t let it just passed by. Year after year, I’ve been too coward to voice out my own problem. To reveal on what I’ve been living through…
Having a difficulty speaking.
It’s the major one that I’ve always never wanted to admit. Be that in Malay (my first language) or in English, in which I’d fairly say I’m fluent in (since I’ve been living in England half of my life), even though it’s not severe but I’m struggling and I know it.
I don’t know if it’s my tongue or my brain, but ever since 14 years ago, after I’ve moved to England, talking to people has never been easy for me. With the trouble to adapt at the time, and (it is no surprise to say) that I was bullied in high school as well, so I would say that this is caused by anxiety – my battered confidence was definitely the cause of it.
I got really upset when I wanted to speak up what I’ve gathered in my head for a good debate or just elaborate something out, but at the end, my head always told me “to let it go” and I ended up just telling people “yes” or “no” with no further explanations. It frustrates me everytime.
Out of my friends, I’m usually the quietest one. On rare occasions, for topics that I’m comfortable in talking about, I’d appear to be more talkative. But most of the time, I’d be the one to listen to everyone, and only speak when they ask me something or seek for my opinions. I’d start talking when everyone is quiet because I don’t know how to talk loud. I can’t scream. I honestly cannot scream. Not on a roller-coaster, not in a haunted house or not even when I’d seen Robert Downey Jr in real life. Oh, I still remember when I met One Direction during their X Factor Days (I was a huge fan), and while every girls around me were screaming like mad, all that came out of my mouth when Harry Styles was standing half an arm length away was “Haaarryyy” (possibly worst than when Ron Weasley whimpers out Harry Potter’s name when he sees a spider). I thought I was pretty embarrassing, but at least Harry and Liam smiled at me.
While I acknowledge that I tend to stutter and getting all the words incoherently pronounced most of the times, I’m proud to say that I’m only thriving to learn and fix myself better. Of course, to make myself happy is another thing on the checklist to having a better mental health and ever since 2008, being a blogger has been one of the top on the list. I may not be great in speaking but I would like to believe that I’m good enough in writing.
Also, by being a blogger, I’ve challenged myself to be more sociable in a way. Well, I think that shutting myself inside the house and away from the public is never the solution anyway. Besides, it is nice the fact that I’ve made friends from all over the world by getting involved on various social platforms.
Nowadays, I’ve learned that I talk better when I prepare the sentence inside my head before speaking it out. And the other things that help my speaking in getting better and as well as having a strong mental health are:
- Reading out loud and record myself, so I could hear my pronunciations and fix them.
- Writing. Understanding more words from the dictionary and thesaurus.
- Go to events. Meeting, talking and interacting with strangers are intimidating but I figured that it helps me at the same time.
- Study other languages. I’m not having my mind telling me “you won’t be able to speak those languages”.
- Make video logs. None that I’m satisfied to publish on Youtube just yet, but we’ll see.
Whatever problems that we have, just remember that it’s not impossible for us to get through it. We can be better. All we need is a little courage, from none other than ourselves. We may need and get supports from other people but at the end of the day, we are our own hero.
Thank you for reading this post.
May you have happy thoughts always,